I was at Lowe’s last weekend looking for a circular saw; a corded one. I’ve got heavy duty work to do and am through dicking around with battery-powered circular saws. But that’s not really relevant to this story. I just wanted to give you some more details—kind of a wide view setting if you will. Let’s just say I was at Lowe’s when I heard a snobby lady screech, “Gosh Dammit, Brayden. Get over here this instant!”
I’m not sure why I’m writing about this. And the six of you who religiously follow this fringy gardening blog probably don’t either. But I still feel compelled to tell you about what happened after hearing Brayden’s mom’s command. I instantly became light headed and had minor tunnel vision—I felt a flurry of sweeping emotions.
Why did she say “Gosh” but then drop a curse word? What type of house does she live in? What kind of drugs does her husband do? Again, why did she say, “Gosh?”
Then, I lost it thinking about having a child named “Brayden.” I thought about introducing him to a stern, war veteran grandpa. “Barnabus, this is your great grandson, Brayden.” And Barnabus would just stare off into the distance, steely-eyed, as he angrily spits tobacco into an empty Crown Royal bottle.
Then I imagined the life that young Brayden will lead. I thought about Lacrosse or whatever privileged sport he’ll play. I thought about his undoubtedly square jaw. I thought about the terrible friends he’ll have—the Skylar’s and Jayden’s and Branch’s. And finally, I imagined what my life would be like if my name was Brayden and without going into too many details, became deeply forlorn and pensive.
It’s important to note that this all happened within a thirty-second span in the circular saw aisle at Lowe’s. And it’s also important to mention that I never saw young Brayden or his exasperated mom—probably a Carol or a Brenda, if I had to guess.
I had a fucking breakdown. And I don’t know who to talk to. Is there a therapist that specializes in people who lose their minds after hearing WASP-y names in big box home improvement stores?
I feel lost. But at least I have this nice new saw.